5.5 mins read.
Buddha is not saying that we don’t have faults and limitations because of course we do (well I do); and we need to identify what these are if we are to have any hope of getting rid of them.
Carrying on from this article, Being kinder to ourselves and others.
If we are honest with ourself, we will recognize that at the moment our mind is filled with defilements such as anger, attachment, and ignorance. These mental diseases will not go away just by our pretending they do not exist. The only way we can ever get rid of them is by honestly acknowledging their existence and then making the effort to eliminate them. ~ How to Transform Your Life
Identify our faults without identifying with them
However, there is a world of difference between identifying our faults and identifying WITH them. Sure we need to improve, but we can’t improve at the same time as feeling bad about ourselves, or guilty, because this is creating a negative self-fulfilling prophecy.
Try picking up a glass of water. How heavy is it? Not very? Okay, hold it for 5 minutes. How heavy is it now? Hmmm.
In the same way as water becomes heavy if we don’t let it go, similarly our bad feelings become heavy and guilty if we don’t know how to let them go. It is possible to admit to our mistakes without feeling guilty. Guilt holds on. It keeps us stuck. It comes from a fundamental lack of self-acceptance.
We need to let go of our delusions not because they are inherently bad or because they make us inherently bad, but simply because they make us and others unhappy. As Geshe Kelsang says:
Just as mud can always be removed to reveal pure, clear water, so delusions can be removed to reveal the natural purity and clarity of our mind.
Geshe Kelsang talks all the time about our innate purity, our Buddha nature, and our need to identify with it; but sometimes people don’t pick up on this, which is partly why I’m writing these articles. The other day someone in Germany pointed out, accurately I think:
Western people are different. Like you described it in the article, we learned always to put the blame on ourselves. Perhaps because of that Christian tradition (or what the church made of it), you’re guilty, small, and so on. I don’t really know. When we follow the Buddhist spiritual path we learn so much about delusions, uncontrolled minds, negative karma, and so on; and we are always told to purify our bad baaad karma, to tame our monkey mind. This is all clearly necessary. But I often ask myself, how can we love others honestly if we don’t take the first step to accept ourselves? We need more teachings on self-compassion.
Without skill, spiritual practitioners can indeed beat themselves up with guilt and feeling small while “pretending” to be good Buddhists or Christians or whatever – and this disconnect eventually leads to hypocrisy, or burnout, or abandonment of their spiritual practice. People can even use their Tantric practice as pure escapism from an unworthy sense of self, completely missing the point. It is no accident that one of our commitments as trainee Bodhisattvas is to “avoid pretension and deceit;” and I would argue that this is highly useful when it comes to talking to ourselves.
Buddha has covered this lack of self-worth from every angle. For example, I think renunciation is deep love and compassion for ourselves; we want true and lasting happiness and freedom for ourselves. However, here we are talking about our pure potential-filled self — not the painful, fixed, limited self held by self-grasping and self-cherishing, which in any case can never be made happy because it doesn’t exist.
And Geshe Kelsang is very clear about never identifying with our delusions, but always with our pure nature so that we can feel happy with ourselves while overcoming our faults. For example, as it says in How to Transform Your Life:
While acknowledging that we have delusions, we should not identify with them, thinking, “I am a selfish, worthless person” or “I am an angry person.” Instead we should identify with our pure potential and develop the wisdom and courage to overcome our delusions.
How could it be put more clearly? Moreover we come to experience extraordinary self-confidence and happiness with ourselves as a Bodhisattva and blissful Tantric Deity, if we learn how to do it right. In Tantra, we totally identify ourselves with the result of our spiritual practice — reality itself, the bliss and emptiness of a Buddha’s mind — and work to overcome our faults in that light, never while identified with a small intrinsically ordinary self that doesn’t even exist.
Becoming someone we like
From letting go of our painful thoughts in breathing meditation, as mentioned in this article, we can then go onto see that there is nothing fixed or immutable about us — through changing our thoughts, choosing better, wiser ones, we can become whom we want to be. Buddha and his followers have been saying this forever, and research abounds these days on the impact of positive vs negative thinking on ourselves and others, and the fact that we have the potential to transform ourselves by changing our habits of mind.
We can, for example, ask ourselves what advice we’d give to a good friend if they were suffering from the same low self-esteem, and then start to take that advice ourselves. We can even observe ourselves through the eyes of enlightened beings and Bodhisattvas who know the truth, that we are not our delusions, that we are basically great and full of potential – as it says in How to Transform Your Life:
It is because they distinguish between delusions and persons that Buddhas are able to see the faults of delusions without ever seeing a single fault in any living being. Consequently, their love and compassion for living beings never diminish.
A healthy sense of self
What we really need to do is to reidentify who we think we are, which is called in Buddhism “changing our basis of imputation.” We can change our sense of who we are from someone who is inadequate to someone we really like and respect. Then we can enjoy our own company all day long, encourage ourselves to do great things, and like and respect other people more.
We need to develop a healthy sense of self, an empowered sense of self, based on something genuine.
To do this, it’s really very helpful to understand the relationship between our experience, sense of self, intentions, actions, and life. That next installment is here, How to stop being so down on ourselves.
Meanwhile, over to you! Please keep the feedback coming, it’s been helpful.
How much can a person really change?
Thanks so much! Staying mindful. Getting back on track after straying.
Virtuous thought speech and action. And staying kind a o ourselves and others.
Yes ! Small positive steps forward!
Thank you so much for focusing on this issue. I have recently begun to live mindfully.
It’s such a habit to beat ourselves up when our mindfulness has us realize our
thoughts speech and actions were not very virtuous a moment ago. For me
It’s all about just getting back on track and continuing with positive progress.
At times it’s easier said than done and I “ back-slide” a bit. But my teacher reminds us that it is a practice. You know just by deciding I want to live mindfully greatly improved my day to day life and my patience and compassion for others. I I’m happy about that and avoid the self-cherishing that can occur when you start getting a little “proud and full of yourself.”
But it’s all good and positive progress is the way.
Thank you again for this awesome article and related writings. They are so helpful and inspiring.
Thank you Luna,for reminding us that we need to keep reminding ourselves every moment of every day and every night that we and all precious mother living beings truly are blissful,enlightened beings.
Your clear and helpful article reinforces my growing awareness of the importance of the quality of our “self image”. Not only does it generate happiness (or depression), but it also leads to heightened performance (or failure), especially in our spiritual practice. I find it helpful to keep in mind the power of visualization in achieving desired outcomes. Visualization is not self-deception. It works for athletes and public speakers and virtually all types of performers. Visualizing results simply makes it easier to accomplish them (Tantra, anyone?). And visualizing our inherent Buddha nature is a much more satisfying activity than visualizing our ordinary, inadequate self that doesn’t even exit. Now if I can muster the alertness and discipline to do just that…
Thank you once again, Luna for a very relevant and helpful article 💗. I’m looking forward to reading more about how we can create a healthy sense of self based on something genuine, as I often feel like trying to relate to a positive self is somewhat superficial and fabricated for me, or it doesn’t last very long, particularly when I’m trying to genuinely hold a wish for others to be happy (maybe the problem is trying?). One day or even sometimes, one week, I’m making progress and in roads and the next, I feel like I’ve taken 10 steps back! Strongly relating to an insecure, sad or anxious self that has been dejected. I’m sure I’m not alone in this ‘yo, yo’ experience but I do often wonder if there’s something I’m missing or if it’s just part of the process? Looking forward to the next article exploring this more! x
Thank you for this (and all your other) articles. I realized one day with help from a friend, that I was included in the prayer “may everyone experience the happiness of humans and gods..” I am part of the everyone and I can be happy, too! Just acknowledging that helped me let go of guilt and allow myself to open up to blessings. Amazing.
Yes. That’s a great observation!
We need to be happy, actually.
Your article felt really empowering. At the same time though, despite being familiar with the the points you’ve made to help us, my experience still feels far from this. I can’t get a picture of what it is like to have as our basis of imputation “someone we really like and respect”. It’s so unfamiliar. Abiding in blessings seems to be the closest I come to this, but seems to have quite a bit of a different quality about it.
Thank you for writing this comment. I plan on addressing this very point in the next article — how to change our basis of imputation based on a genuinely good experience.
You’re right that abiding in blessings can be a huge part of that. And we are looking for that “different quality”, given that the quality of our current experience can really suck! 😉