The year of living confidently

changing-sufferingIf we want 2019 to be better than 2018, we might want to cultivate some more self-confidence. I was thinking about how we cannot afford to become heavy-hearted or overwhelmed with all the things that will inevitably go wrong publicly and privately this year, or we will be of little use to anyone. The laziness of discouragement will kick in, wherein we will feel too dejected to help ourselves and everyone else bring an end to suffering and its causes. It is no fun to be like a dying snake, as in Shantideva’s illustration in Guide to the Bodhisattva’s Way of Life:

If a snake lies dying on the ground,
Crows will act like brave eagles and attack it.
In the same way, if my self-confidence is weak,
Even the slightest adversity will be able to harm me.

According to Buddhism, there are four areas in which we need to cultivate self-confidence, and I thought it might be really helpful to set ourselves up with these for the new year. These will give us both courage and energy, regardless of what the day’s headlines are screaming.

Some things will go right in 2019, too, and, as you’ll see, we may need these special types of self-confidence then as well to stop ourselves getting side-tracked from our mission to save the world 😉

Tara’s story

But first I want to tell Tara’s story, as I said I would in this last article. This is because she is a perfect embodiment of self-confidence and fearlessness, and we could do a lot worse than (1) having her on our side and (2) learning to emulate her. It’s helpful to ask, “What would Tara tara-2do?” when we notice ourselves getting forlorn, desperate, or panic-stricken.

Whether you take the following account of where Tara came from as an allegory or a true story, I don’t think it really matters, for either way it shows how cool and courageous she is. In the Sutra of Praises to the Twenty-one Taras, Buddha Shakyamuni said:

Homage to Tara, the Swift One, the Heroine,
Whose eyes are like a flash of lightning,
Who arose from the opening of a lotus,
Born from the tears of the Protector of the Three Worlds.

Aeons and aeons ago, in another world system, Buddha Avalokiteshvara, who had already liberated countless living beings from suffering, thought he’d check, “How many are left?” Seeing that there were still a countless number, he was so moved that he began to cry.

The Buddha of Compassion’s tears were so great that they formed a pool.

And in response, swift as the wind, as a manifestation of the wind element of all the Buddhas, Tara arose from a lotus on the pool and said to him these words:

Don’t cry. I will help you. I will permanently liberate all remaining living beings from their suffering.

Tara is therefore compassion in action, action Buddha, superwoman. She doesn’t mess about and she never backs down. Gentle, ferocious, whatever it takes … she will do it to liberate living beings. An incredibly popular, iconic Buddha in India and in Tibet, and hopefully now increasingly amongst us in the modern world, there are many stories of people calling out to her at moments of danger, fear, and duress and immediately receiving her help.

And if we want to assist all the Buddhas, including our compassionate Spiritual Guide, in their mission to liberate everyone on this planet and elsewhere from their pain, we need to aim at Tara’s degree of self-assurance.

What is pride?

So, back to the four types of self-confidence. Judging by the number of self-help books on developing self-confidence, a lot of people like this topic – probably because our self-grasping and self-cherishing make us feel so insecure all the time.

In other teachings, Geshe Kelsang refers to these types of self-confidence taught by Shantideva as “non-deluded pride.” In general, pride is deluded. Our mind is “puffed up” with an exaggerated sense of our own importance, as Geshe-la explains in the book How to Understand the Mind.

Pride refers to an inflated sense of self for slight reasons. For example, a new haircut. New shoes. Or you just got a promotion or a hot girlfriend or something like that. Whatever. It doesn’t matter. These things are never a reason to think that we’re better or superior to others, that we are somehow more special. But due to our ridiculous feelings of self-doubt, we’re constantly longing to feel special. Our self-cherishing makes us long to be affirmed in some way, any way. Yesterday a close friend I haven’t seen in a while said to me, as if he pridemeant it, “You’re looking really great!” and although I brushed it off modestly on the outside, inside I was like, “Yeah, you’re right, thank you.” We swell up like a balloon.

Or maybe someone tells us excitedly of a beautiful place they visited and we reply, ‘Oh, yes, I’ve been there.” Subtext is that we discovered it, we got there first, it is pervaded by our ego blessings, they should count themselves lucky to be part of that. According to our self-grasping and our self-cherishing, the world basically revolves around us; and deluded pride is just an inflation of those ego minds. The self held up by our self-grasping and self-cherishing doesn’t exist, so we need pride to bolster it! Perhaps this is why deluded pride is one of the six root delusions, meaning it is pretty common, even if we hate ourselves. Perhaps especially if we hate ourselves.

Ego trips (up)

Self-confidence is not the same as self-importance, it is quite the opposite. If we are caught up with grasping at inherently existent self and inherently existent others — which leads to cherishing our important self and neglecting the importance of others — we find ourselves constantly jockeying for position. This undermines our self-confidence as we are always comparing and contrasting ourselves with others instead of just getting mountain-peakson un-self-consciously with the job of improving ourselves and helping everyone else. We feel superior, or we feel inferior, or we feel competitive. We have to focus on our own good qualities and others’ faults just to stay on top. We have to praise ourselves and criticize others, whether out loud or internally, just to feel good about ourselves. It’s exhausting.

Anyway, that’s deluded pride. There are seven types as a matter of fact, and you can check these out in How to Understand the Mind – they have names like “pride in identity” and “pretentious pride”, and the descriptions are embarassing. This pride stops us improving. And pride comes before a fall, as they say. It makes us vulnerable and sets us up for suffering because it’s only a matter of time before we’re not being acknowledged in the way we want to be acknowledged, or people are ignoring us, or suddenly there’s a biting comment, and whoooosh, all the wind goes out of the balloon, just like that.

Feeling full of ourselves based on external stuff that doesn’t last is highly suspect – youth and good looks, for example, are neither a stable nor genuine basis for feeling cool. (Doesn’t mean we’re not appreciative to be young and good-looking, but we don’t need to be all conceited about it.) Pride also leads to disrespect and gets in the way of empathizing with others. On the subject of ordinary coolness:

For well you know that it’s a fool who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder. ~ John Lennon

Buddha Vajrayogini often appears as an old hag to help her followers realize that youth and looks aren’t everything, aren’t much in fact. And of course there is Tara, who is totally cool, as is Geshe Kelsang, not because he is young or has movie star looks but because he is fully in control of his mind. In How to Understand the Mind, Geshe-la says:

At present we might be beautiful, fit, intelligent, and successful, but we have no power to remain like this. Eventually, without any choice, we will have to become old, decrepit, impoverished, disabled or senile. If we compare ourselves to realized beings who have perfect freedom and whose happiness cannot be destroyed by external conditions, we will soon lose our pride.

Non-deluded pride is completely different to deluded pride. Non-deluded pride is also a strong sense of self, but this self is not the inherently existent self, which doesn’t in fact exist, but a self that is identified with the truth, or imputed on something that does exist. These are the four types of non-deluded pride, or self-confidence:

  1. Pride with respect to our potential.
  2. Pride in thinking we can destroy our delusions.
  3. Pride in our actions.
  4. Divine pride, taught in Buddha’s Tantric teachings.

I’m out of space, so can come back to these in the next article.

Meantime, over to you. Comments very welcome! (To leave a comment, by the way, just scroll down to the bottom of this page.)

Related articles

Living fearlessly  

Saying bye bye to the painful, limited self

In praise of integrity 

Author: Luna Kadampa

Based on 40 years' experience, I write about applying meditation and modern Buddhism to improve and transform our everyday lives and societies. I try to make it accessible to everyone anywhere who wants more inner peace and profound tools to help our world, not just Buddhists. Do make comments any time and I'll write you back!

26 thoughts on “The year of living confidently”

  1. Just sat and read the Tara story 🙂 it’s awesome 🙂 was doing the vajrayogini count one time and didn’t know the connection between the two until later and was struggling as my mind was telling me to go green and I was saying no I need to go red 🙂 I believe there’s now a connection 🙂 think I should have a little chat with our Tara 🙂

  2. Thank you. Great encouragement. Much appreciated. Very best wishes for 2019, Luna. May all your Dharma activities continue to grow and meet with every success. xxx

  3. Excellent article. My brief comments are that I’m susceptible to feeling discouraged right now due to quite challenging circumstances. Your many reminders are helpful (ask for help from Tara, remember the self does not exist inherently, differentiate between deluded pride and divine pride and develop true confidence…). My daily formal practice helps immensely too but I need to practice 24/7!
    Sidenote: in paragraph 4 you said, “some things will go right in 2017 too”. I think you meant, in 2019?

  4. Thank you so much 🙏. Just what I needed today, to fight back a feeling of being overwhelmed from things not going well, and having too much (left) to do.
    Gotta love Tara. 😊
    The verse about ‘becoming old and decrepit without choice’ is a wake up call too. A bitter medicine, but medicine. That wisdom touches some underlying fears of mine there. I’d like to find a way to not be fearful of that particular future… another blog on this perhaps?
    Thanks again, and thanks for the many other blogs I’ve read too. X

  5. As always a brilliant reflection on these teachings and how they apply to our modern lives. I particularly liked, ‘The self held up by our self-grasping and self-cherishing doesn’t exist, so we need pride to bolster it!’
    That’s the principle of ‘the empty vessel makes the loudest noise’ I guess. I must say that I was very confused about what authentic confidence was before I met these teachings. It feels for me that authentic confidence is a mixture of understanding our true potential, mixed with humility about what we can’t yet do, and then openness to thinking of how we can help others. It’s complex and I found developed over time as I practised these teachings. It is still fragile though and I can slip into deluded pride and discouragement easily, just have to pick yourself up and try again. Thank you ❤️

  6. Those teachings help me to see more clearly the origin of narcissism and to develop, and help children to develop a real self confidence. A lot of confusion about it most of the time in our minds. Thanks ! Om tare tutare ture soha.

  7. Thank-you so much for writing these beautiful articles :))
    They’re so accessible and inspirational – a great presentation of Geshe La’s teachings. 🙂
    Love the quote from How to Understand the Mind – will definitely be using that one in class! 🙂 x

  8. …sometimes difficult to refrain from supplying others’ addictive propensities with deluded pride fuel , as it almost seems to be de rigeur/conventional etiquette to so do in many situations e.g. replying to a column of this nature might seem to have a pre-requisite requirement to compliment/flatter…..just sayin’…..

    1. Yes, I see what you’re saying, but luckily Dharma is about what we do with our own minds so I wouldn’t worry too much. Plus, I don’t require compliments😆 And if and when i get them I tend to offer them on to my Spiritual Guide at my heart, when i remember …

      I like to be able to compliment people without being concerned that every time i say something nice it is feeding their pride 😉

      1. …okay, will try harder to control my own mind , and allow others that same privilege . There are , I read recently, health benefits to be gained from expressing gratitude and appreciation , so let’s not stint ourselves…..

  9. Beautiful, funny and deep as always. Identifying with limitations and small selves is so 2016!
    I always think about that Tara story, I get a deeper understanding each time I contemplate it. This time I was thinking how swiftly and quickly she arose when the focus is on others. Not that she doesn’t help when we are experiencing suffering but her power mostly lies in helping us help others. Thank you! 🙂

    1. Brill insight, my friend, “her power mostly lies in helping us to help others”! And I love that — identifying with small selves is so 2016 😆

  10. A perfect start to a cold, clear morning. Thank you for your tireless love and compassion. Looking forward with Tara in my heart to your next teaching.

  11. Thank you so much this is exactly what I needed to hear at the moment! With all of the world becoming more degenerate I have been getting sucked into the sadness and helplessness of it all. Feeling distraught and that we are in samsara with no good qualities. It seemed everywhere I looked there was suffering. I suppose this is a good understanding to have but sad at the same time. The first paragraph was just what I needed to read. How we need to not drown but help ourself get out so we can help others. I love Tara’s story about how powerful and swift she is. Thanks 😃

    1. It is a good understanding, and we need to know that there has always been suffering in samsara but that there is the chance now to free ourselves and others permanently. So we must and can stay afloat.

  12. omygosh, hilarious: “…it is pervaded by our ego blessings…” pride is so gross

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