When people get you wrong

A friend was telling me how she came under relentless criticism earlier this year for things she really hadn’t done – in point of fact, she’d been doing the opposite (good) things instead, for years. I know what that feels like—we probably all know what that feels like. Being unfairly accused has always been hard, hence the ongoing relevance of this ancient mind-training verse:

Even if someone I have helped
And of whom I had great hopes
Nevertheless harms me intentionally,
May I see him or her as my holy Spiritual Guide. ~ Eight Verses of Training the Mind

It can feel particularly devastating if the misunderstanding and censure is coming from people we thought understood and appreciated us, including people we have helped a lot. This friend felt that she was going slightly mad because their view of her and her own view of herself were at such odds. Eventually she confided in someone close to her, who suggested she was being gaslighted.

Gaslighting

Another friend also found himself turned upside down when fired out of the blue for doing something that was not only innocent, he thought, but helpful to people; and he started second-guessing himself. After a few days of feeling rejected and hurt, he decided that it was they who were not in possession of all the facts, and that he could and needed to trust himself after all. On the basis of dealing with his inner problem, he felt sufficiently composed to go back and talk to them about their decision, trying to solve the outer problem.

This term “gaslighting” comes from the 1940 movie Gaslight about a husband who’d turn off the gas lamps, but deny it, to make his wife think she’d gone mad. In the strict sense of the word it means a concerted abusive effort to manipulate and disorient people. But I hear a lot of people using that term more loosely these days to describe how they feel after they are unfairly criticized or dismissed over a period of time, coming to believe that they are the ones who are crazy or have done something wrong, even though they’re not.

Given that fault-finding is so common in these polarized times, and that we often have this tendency to internalize unfair criticism and let it wound us, I thought I might share how I have tried to deal with this faulty self-perception when it’s come up.

Who are we in a hall of mirrors?!

Everyone you meet has a different narrative handle on you. Two of my nieces got married this summer—very beautiful and fun weddings just three weeks apart—so I’ve had plenty of opportunity to observe how much positioning goes on in families. “She’s my lovely aunty who has returned from America.” “She’s the sister of the father of the bride, tucked away on the 60+ table.” “I’ve heard her career is a bit strange and unconventional (perhaps cool, perhaps just weird).” “She’s come back to London to look after her poor, aged parents.” And so on.

There’s a modicum of truth in these versions, but they tell just a tiny fraction of the story, and are obviously highly subjective labels of a self that cannot be found existing from its own side. Some of the narratives that family members have about one another are positive and conducive to love and kindness: “My beloved daughter,” “My kind dad.” Others can be a trifle limited and limiting—claustrophobic identities that are hard to escape.

Dharma practice seems to involve upgrading our narratives about our family and everyone else. Instead of seeing someone through the same old familiar story, we can think, “This is my kind mother, with whom I’ve shared countless lifetimes,” or “This is a future Buddha,” or even, “This is a Dakini.” In changing the way we see them, we don’t just change our own experience of them. Directly or indirectly, we also give them the freedom and space to live up to their potential.

Back to the case in point, unfair criticism … honestly, the first thing we need is to have a strong, stable self-confidence based on something valid and authentic, such as our own Buddha nature, refuge, good heart, wisdom, or sense of purpose. We need to be developing a positive sense of self so that we’re not thrown off when other people double down on their versions of us. We need to be working on our integrity, not being blown here and there by the eight worldly concerns, as I talk more about here: In praise of integrity. 

On that basis of knowing and liking ourselves, if we’re criticized we can then do what Venerable Geshe Kelsang says he does – take a minute, ask ourselves:

Is there any truth in this criticism?!

If there is, we can feel thankful to have it pointed out so that we can use it to improve. If there isn’t, we can understand that we still have the basic fault of self-cherishing and this criticism is reminding us to work on that, so – also – thank you.

We can choose to look at it this way: this person is functioning not as our enemy but as our kind teacher by forcing us to improve. If you want to read the beautiful commentary to that verse quoted earlier to find out about this, it’s in Eight Steps to Happiness.

Who are they seeing?

No one sees the “real” us (whatever that is), only the person their minds allow them to see. Objects don’t exist from their own side but exist only for the mind imputing them. When people criticize or slander us for things we feel we just haven’t done—or even know for sure we haven’t done—they are relating to their own projections of us. Just because this person is so adamant that this is what we’ve done or this is what we’re like doesn’t make it so. Their view of us is saying far more about them than about us.

Even leaving delusions out of it, a lot of people have experienced trauma at some point in their lives that can make them project stuff onto the people closest or even kindest to them. It is not their fault. We could argue that they should know better; but Dharma teaches us that although, yes, it would be great if we all knew better, it is not us but our delusions that are distorting our knowledge. As Venerable Geshe-la says:

It is because they distinguish between delusions and persons that Buddhas are able to see the faults of delusions without ever seeing a single fault in any living being. Consequently, their love and compassion for living beings never diminish. ~ How to Transform Your Life

People are not their delusions – they struggle with their delusions. So although we may decide not to trust someone for a while, we don’t need to dislike them.

How to stay sane when you’re misunderstood

Which brings me to the next thing I do, which is to work on solving the inner problem before doing anything about the outer problem. I prefer my mind to be peaceful, wise, and in the right space before I address the outer problem; and this is my responsibility ‘cos no one else can change my mind for me.

The outer problem is the person’s perception of us. There is only so much we can do about that. The inner problem is the rejection, self-doubt, betrayal, or confusion that we feel. All these unpleasant feelings are basically coming from our own self-cherishing and lack of self-esteem, which is actually good because we can do something about them.

When something like this happens to me, I go for refuge till I feel those blessings, generate bodhichitta, and remember that none of this is actually happening. And I’ll do any or all of the following until my mind changes.

Don’t overlook karma

Advice From Atisha’s Heart is so chock-full of wisdom that it always re-balances my mind. I love every single line of advice in there, but here are a couple of examples:

If the things you desire do not come, it is due to karma created long ago; therefore keep a happy and relaxed mind.

and

Since all the happiness and suffering of this life arise from previous actions, do not blame others.

I know I must have done something in the past to bring on these false dismissals, they didn’t come out of nowhere, so this is a good sign to purify those mistaken appearances and be more determined than ever not to criticize or slander others. That’s how to attain mental freedom.

Talking of karma, it does explain everything; but in our careless instant culture it is easily overlooked. I think we need to spend quite a lot of time contemplating it for it to impact our behavior and for us to stop blaming others. During this recent International Kadampa Summer Festival, my housemate was reading aloud to us some of Buddha’s 108 Sutra stories (as you do, lol). This text happens to be the source of this quote:

The fully ripened effects of actions ripen not on soil or stones, but only on consciousness.

As Geshe-la goes on to explain in How to Understand the Mind:

This is because only consciousness has feelings, and only with feelings can we experience the ripened effects of actions. Virtuous actions result in pleasant feelings, non-virtuous actions in unpleasant feelings, and neutral actions in neutral feelings. We tend to think that pleasantness and unpleasantness are characteristics that exist from the side of the object, but in reality whether we experience an object as pleasant or unpleasant depends entirely upon our karma.

If we do something to someone, those intentions are going to ripen on us, no one else. No matter how much time may elapse, we can never escape our own actions. We listened to some salutary tales of people who criticized others and, even though they later had regret and practiced Dharma, ended up for numerous lifetimes as an animal before their Dharma ripened as Arhatship in their next human life.

Many, many years ago in ancient India, long before this post-literate age in which TikTok reels have captured human attention, there probably wasn’t much for Buddhists to do in their leisure time other than listen repeatedly to stories like this. And we discovered that these tales are sufficiently long and colorful to embed themselves in the memory and make you think twice about the words coming out of your mouth.

Another go-to is Je Tsongkhapa’s Three Principal Aspects of the Path – talk about a truly existential way to get our problems into perspective! Conveniently enough, both these texts are in the same booklet, The Kadampa Way of Life. 

Keep your eye on the prize

Sometimes it seems as if someone else is getting in the way not just of our own life but of our helping people we want to help and feel we could help if only we were allowed to! This situation can frustrate and hurt the most. Is it true, though? Sometimes it sure seems that way – I think it’s common in all walks of life, politics, healthcare, or education to name a few. Sometimes opportunities appear and sometimes doors are slammed right in our face; this is normal in an unstable world.

Yet if we keep our eye on the prize, the bigger context, we are always free in these situations to double down on our intention to attain enlightenment so that we can help each and every living being without obstruction every day. To help others we need to purify permanently all mistaken appearances, including the appearing karmic consequences of our own interrupting of others’ virtuous wishes that are currently bouncing back on us. Every single little action we then perform with bodhichitta is a powerful cause of our one day helping everybody.

Release the outcome

When I’m all peaceful again thanks to refuge in Dharma, I then consider how I can address the outer problem. Maybe I could talk or write to that person, genuinely confessing my part in this to help pacify them (so-called “offering the victory”), before explaining why it seems to me that they also are not totally correct. I might even be able to help them see their mistakes so that they don’t do this again to other people. (Which is especially helpful if they’re in positions of power).

Or perhaps their view is so fixed that there is no point in holding out for that, in which case I will wait for another day.

If nothing and no one is going to change their view or their unfair actions, we can accept this patiently by relying on our own inner refuge and sense of right and wrong. We can also bear in mind that all of this is bound to change sooner or later; everything always does. It even turns out its opposite – in samsara, what’s up is down and what’s down is up. We have all been unfairly criticizing and firing each other since time immemorial. Many situations seem kind of unfair. Which brings us full circle to where we started, which is basing our life on an authentic self-confidence, refuge, and integrity.

Hope this helps. Look forward to reading your comments.