Overcoming the obstacles to rejoicing

Compassion and rejoicing can cover every variety of human experience. There is always something good we can be doing. If others are suffering, we can develop compassion. If they’re doing well, we can rejoice, or feel joy, for them.

Continuing on the subject of rejoicing — the last article was Lay down your burden.

Practicing rejoicing is simple (if not always easy) — it’s learning to feel happy when things go well for others or we see them doing good things. One of its main benefits is that it is the total antidote to jealousy and competitiveness.

The obstacles to rejoicing

I spotted my neighbor in a local park the other day throwing a stick for his dog and younger puppy. Junior was getting a bit jealous whenever Senior got my neighbor’s (or my) attention, and this pained him and he would whimper. Senior, on the other hand, is fond of this new puppy and didn’t mind at all when he got the attention, in fact he wagged his tail even harder.

Jealousy and competitiveness come from self-concern, when we feel bad, insecure, deprived, or inadequate about ourselves compared with others. As a human example, I could pick many, but let’s say someone says to us: “I love my meditation! I’m making SOOO much progress!” and we’re like, “Hmmm, that’s not fair, I can’t meditate for the life of me.” There’s a stab of envy. A feeling that we’re inadequate compared with them. That if I can’t do it, then I don’t want anyone else to be doing it either.

Envy and jealousy are terrible minds, aren’t they, we all know that. We’re not proud of them. We don’t share them on social media: “I can’t bear to see your vacation pictures — I am seething with resentment.” No, we’re like, “I’m cool with that. Good on you!” But meanwhile, hidden inside, envy and FOMO are holding court, even if it is our best friend who has posted what a great time they are having (sometimes especially when it’s our best friend.) Through gritted teeth we may comment, “Yes, yes! I’m so happy for you!” But self-cherishing has popped up and taken over and just soured everything.

Talking of FOMO, appearances are deceptive in any case. People’s perfect lives as posted on social media are as curated as the pictures we post of our own, so not the greatest yardstick for our self-worth or sense of achievement. “May your life be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook!” as the saying goes.

Jealousy is one of the stupidest of the delusions because it is entirely unsuccessful. All delusions are futile, but jealousy and envy in some ways seem particularly illogical – entrenching us in personal unhappiness and in no way bringing any of others’ success to us, in fact driving it further away. It doesn’t help the other person at all and, if they get a whiff of it, they can feel very uncomfortable around us. What good does it do?

Whereas if we practice cherishing that person, really caring about their happiness, we could feel happy about their success and in that way partake of it in the moment. We would also be creating the cause to have success like that of our own in the future. A win win. It makes perfect sense, doesn’t it? Energetically that’s how it works, and karmically that’s how it works.

We don’t need to say out loud “I rejoice”

By the way – and let me know if this is just an irrational bug bear of mine – I don’t think we really need to be saying out loud all over the place, “I rejoice!”, any more than we need to be saying out loud, “I feel such compassion for you!” We just have those virtuous reactions internally – we don’t need to announce them or draw attention to ourselves. (Spare us your sympathy, in other words.) We could shift the focus away from our own spiritual response, perhaps, to the other person if we said more normal things like, “I’m really happy for you, well done!” or, in the case of compassion, “How can I help?”

We need everyone to be making progress

People sometimes say that they find rejoicing hard to do because they feel too insecure – that focusing on others’ good fortune and deeds, especially if they’re a “peer”, just reminds them of their own inadequacies or makes them feel guilty. There are a number of ways we can address this, including rejoicing in our own good deeds first as a psychological foundation, as explained here for example.

I also think it’s good to remember that we actually have nothing to prove. Or what do you think you have to prove to others, and why? From a Dharma perspective we always have boundless potential and can be whomever we want, we just have to get on with it, preferably practicing Dharma as if no one is watching. What is going on inside us is far more significant to our happiness than what is going on around us; so we can learn to focus on that rather than on what other people may or may not be up to.

But one consideration that I find immensely helpful to remember is that, like me, all the rejoice-worthy human beings have been temporarily busted from the lower realms. They are doing their very best to stay afloat and improve, to not go back to hellish suffering, to try and help others too – so what grounds are there for jealousy? Instead we need to root for them, to root for each other!

I just read a happy rescue story about two macaques called Willy and Magilla, rescued from the exotic pet trade and now allowed to live free. You’ve seen those videos of rescued lab chimps peering out from their cage at the wide green and luscious pain-free world they are about to enter for the first time? I’m not the only one who feels happy when I see this. However, if we really knew the true nature of samsara, we’d be feeling at least this happy every time we saw someone trying to rescue themselves or others from the torturous prison of samsara.

In the 2023 newsletter from the Colorado Feline Foster Rescue I work for, I just read that they have gone from almost nothing a few years ago to finding great homes for around 100 cats and kittens every single month. This naturally makes me happy, even though I personally only manage to find homes for a few of them each year. Of course I am naturally pleased when I see others rescuing innocent animals from shelters or euthanasia, the more the merrier. And it makes me think that if we see others managing to rescue more people from the ocean of samsara than we happen to be able to do at the moment, is that a cause of jealousy/inadequacy or happiness? It is all about context.

Have you noticed how sometimes, within a family or among close friends or even Sangha, there is sibling rivalry, including feelings of inferiority; whereas at other times we feel deep pride and appreciation for what our siblings and friends are up to, even if it way outshines what we are up to? What determines which way we feel?! Please say in the comments.

When we rejoice, instead of feeling left out we are part of a team. If we saw someone using a bulldozer to pull our kind mother out of a collapsed building, we would be thrilled even if we were not yet capable of pulling her out ourselves. If we are part of the team that wants to free all kind mothers from samsara’s devastation, everybody’s success is our success. This is because we all want the same thing.

We don’t want to be like crabs in the bucket of samsara. It’s a great practice to feel actively happy about all of Venerable Geshe Kelsang’s students every day, and for that matter with anyone and everyone who is trying to help themselves and others escape suffering and find happiness. As I said here, I like rejoicing also in all the other good deeds going on around the world – by nurses, doctors, animal lovers, social workers, humanitarians, garbage disposers, my parents’ carers, and so on. It makes me so happy, this meditation. We are all working together to make life more pleasant and reduce suffering, one way or another.

We need each other. This troubled world needs us to be Bodhisattvas. We need a Bodhisattva army. I sometimes think that rejoicing in his students is the same as rejoicing in Geshe-la himself – and immediately we are part of that success, his kindness, not on the outside looking in, not feeling all left out.

For example, right now, January retreat month 2024, Kadampas are doing retreats all over the world. How amazing is that? How did Venerable Geshe-la manage to pull this off?! Feel happy about it, and we may as well be doing those retreats ourselves. (I am doing a Vajrasattva retreat in NYC, in case you’re wondering about all these photos … )

I continue with some more practical tips and tricks for rejoicing in this next article: How to get ahead.

Meantime, if you are up to good things or having a good day, I am happy for you. And will take the opportunity to thank you for making my own day meaningful as a result of simply feeling good about yours. You have saved me some time, lol.