Sue’s parting advice

01/05/2012 By 34 Comments
Sue Hulley, November 2011

Click here for a 30 second video of Sue: Sue Hulley, Marin, CA, November 2011.

Click here for a tribute to Sue from her son, Tim.

Sue Hulley, November 2011

Sue Hulley, who died yesterday, was able to greet her illness and death with grace, compassion, and humor. So about a month ago I asked her if she would kindly write something to help the rest of us get ready for the inevitable. She managed to finish several articles, mainly on the practical side of things, with the help of her partner Bill and her son Tim. Here they are.

Diagnosis

It seems very sudden when you hear that voice at the end of the phone, or coming right at you in the office, informing you that you have a life-threatening diagnosis. It’s hard for me to know which one I wanted. I guess having it on the phone would make it seem less real, give me a layer of protection, some time to control my responses.

Instead, it felt like Dr. Sowerby really got through to me. And it felt as if this really was harder for him than for me, although he didn’t say that. After all, he was the man who diagnosed me with pylori without a biopsy hoping, i guess, that i did have what causes 9 out of 10 ulcers.

And this was the man who knew what lay ahead, in all of its gory, after the endoscopy. He knew that my life would never be the same. That, in fact, a whole new life – albeit probably of limited duration and often of maximal intensity — was beginning. His empathy told me as much. And I was so grateful. Let’s face it, bearing details of future pleasures is nice, but getting such a definite demarcation between past and future from someone who cares is so meaningful. You can start to take care of yourself and look out after the rest of the people in your life.

Taking care of business

If there’s one most important thing to do before tackling a serious illness, it’s to get your affairs in order.  Of course, this advice could feel as if you’ve been told to get good genes, but you DO have control over this. Actually, you usually hear this phrase after you’ve been told about your illness; the irony is that you should have done this years before. But the usual American understanding is that if you get serious bad news, THEN you start planning. Although this attitude is understandable — based on our denial and wishful thinking — it can have serious negative effects on the loved ones around us.

So what affairs are we putting in order? In my life, there seemed to have been two areas, one the more practical, the other the more psychological / spiritual. In the practical realm, having a will, doing some estate planning, and communicating the result to those involved are all critical. That way, you enter any possibly life-threatening situation with everyone around you knowing what it will mean for them in practical terms. Hopefully, they all even agree among themselves about what these are, and their roles after you’re gone. If they can know the professionals involved in these decisions, so much the better; this can transform them from isolated individuals into a powerful team working on your and their own behalf.

Having covered these knotty matters, I should mention the easy, carefree aspect of your job — human relationships. We all have our own set, with its complications and intricacies. And most of us, myself included, know that every relationship that went west was because of the other person. However, it’s a good idea to wash as much of this laundry as you can before you hit the skids. And, since none of us knows when that’s going to be, I would advise you to start ASAP. Of course, you may be reading this having already received your diagnosis, or already involved in your dire situation. But you could help your loved ones, or survive your illness, or possibly you don’t have the bad situation yet; and I hope for your sake, one or more of these is true. That would leave you totally free to follow this advice.

In addition, it’s a really good idea to find some tradition, practice, belief, or activity that fulfills your spiritual needs. It’s more important to have one, than what it is. That way, when the news comes, you’re not just one more deer in the headlights. For example, when someone asked me, “When you got your diagnosis, what did you answer when you asked, ‘Why me?’” All I could say to her was that that thought had never occurred to me. Because Buddhists believe that we cause our own destiny through the millions of thoughts or actions we have over our numerous lifetimes, I don’t view events as happening TO me, but as coming FROM me. This means that I both caused this present situation, in this or another lifetime, and that it is extremely important for my future how I respond to it.

This practice is a resource you can draw from, throughout whatever lies ahead. Of course, it CAN be developed after your diagnosis, but because of its timing, it could be suspect. If this happens for you, be sure to search your mind very carefully about your own motives, and upgrade them as much as you can.

Caregiver(s)

While exercising my arm patting myself on the back for my excellent grasp of taking care of business, it suddenly occurred to me that something had been left out – who’s taking care of you all this time? And it occurred to me that even if you haven’t done any of the things I recommended previously, the fact remains that we all need someone to take care of us. Actually, this is a pretty interesting area, because it involves personal relationships, possibly your loved ones, financial issues, and, depending on the expertise of your caregiver(s), help with solutions to all of the issues we’ve talked about up until now. For example, my primary caregiver is also able to deal with my finances by paying bills and such.

One place where people often start is to consider your practical living situation, and what physical needs you might have. Take a couple of inventories – what support system or resources have you already built up, and your remaining needs if any. Even if you are well equipped to handle your current situation, plan for the future, when your needs could increase. AND do it sooner, don’t wait until it becomes an emergency. For example, you might have a great cleaning lady, and she might know other people who could do related household tasks. Or, where we live, there’s a pool of Fijians, who often move from household to household. (They are especially popular because of their dispositions and the fact that many of them are quite strong. Given how hard it is to find affordable hoists, they have saved many the back of a less robust caregiver.) So get your resources set up for the inevitable ahead of time. Of course, your inventory of needs would depend on your specific situation.

Interacting with people regarding your illness and evolving situation

It would be a good idea at the very beginning, while you still have a lot of energy, to make up email groups of your various communities.

Interacting with doctors

In the past, talking to your doctor has typically meant listening to your doctor. But times are changing. We as patients are being encouraged to be informed consumers, and to take a more active part in our treatment. What this means for you and your doctor is that rather than being a one-down participant, you are in a collaborative partnership.

However, there is no doubt that you are much less knowledgeable than your doctor in the area of your illness. So it’s a good idea to do some general research and learn as much as you can about your disease and its treatment, before you meet. Additionally, it’s critical to take somebody to your appointments with you, to take notes and ask questions. Also this gives you someone to discuss your situation with in an ongoing way, based on the same experience.

It also helps to make a list of questions to ask the doctors. For example, “Given my kind of cancer, what are the expected things that might happen at each phase, and what kinds of things can my caregiver(s) and I do ahead of time, to counter each of these?” Also you can ask your doctor of any item along the way, “Why is this necessary?”

If your doctor can’t tell you anything without using Latin terms, it’s time to get a new one. It’s really important to see how you feel, being with your doctor. As when you meet any other person, it’s important how you feel about your relationship. With one of my doctors, I never felt I could say, “MY oncologist”. You want to feel that this is your doctor in a personal sense, fighting for your personal interests. With this particular doctor, I always felt that he came in and just read my chart. Anyone can read your chart, but you want someone who cares. If this is not happening, you CAN ask to change doctors, or get a second opinion.

Sometimes people get embarrassed about asking questions from doctors, but don’t forget that YOUR health is the goal here. So the doctor is working for you (whether they realize it or not). According to the HIPAA rules, the patient has the right to get all the information relevant to their situation. This means you can ask for copies of any of your test results, the analysis, and any other medical notes. For any tests that are taken, you can ask why it is being done, what the possible outcomes might be, and what those results would mean.

If you go through your treatment not asking, you’re more likely to feel like a deer in the headlights in each meeting. Or even worse, when looking back, like a mushroom (kept in the dark and fed manure).

I am so grateful to Sue for writing these articles for us in the last few weeks. She also had more articles planned, to do specifically with spiritual practice, but she ran out of time to write them down. Later, however, I can try to relay some good conversations we had in November on the subject.

Bill, Sue’s partner and main caregiver, also contributed the following from the caregiving point of view, for which I am also very grateful.

The Caregiver

Caregiving might seem like an easy task, but the routine and stress builds slowly and imperceptibly.  I was blessed with a friend who had “gone through it”.  We could talk openly and frankly about the process, the ugly parts and the end — good and bad.    I hope you, the reader, can find such a friend.

Now to the job at hand.

Timeliness

No matter how many ups and downs there are, the path may very well be downward.  The word again is imperceptible.  Because many processes are imperceptible, you need to build up an intellectual wall against complacency.  If you think something should be done, like talking to a lawyer, fixing a stair step, or writing a letter to an old friend, DO IT NOW.  We missed a lot of opportunities by thinking we could do it later.  Later never came.

Visitors

When one’s relatives, friends and acquaintances find out about the diagnosis, they will immediately want to see your charge.   For some, it will be what we call the “dead flower” visit – one time with flowers and very awkward as no one wants to talk about what might happen.  Early on for Sue, she rejected many of these visits but was happy to talk on the phone.  As time went on, the “Rules” changed.  Make sure that all visitors, by phone or in person, understand her current limits on time, people and time of day.  Do not waver from your rules.  When in doubt just ask the patient if you can and live with the answer.

Accepting gifts of time and food

Many people will volunteer time and food.  One of the most difficult things for me was to find things for others to do and especially to cook since the nature of Sue’s cancer made it very difficult for her to eat.

As you go on, you should make up a list of things others might do.  They need not be totally useful and may also be menial.   You will be surprised at what you can come up with if you give up the notion that you are the only one who knows what is needed.  In fact, even if it doesn’t do you any good or save you any time, it may be good for the giver. And, don’t forget afterwards.  There are many people to tell and personal items to gather and distribute, so outside help will be useful for this difficult task.

In our case, Sue’s son and partner were here for most of the difficult times.  Therefore respite and physical health care from others (except Hospice) wasn’t needed; and we could spell each other.  In most cases, respite help will not be as available as the offerers hope, so burnout due to lack of respite is possible.

You should use the respite care resources volunteered by others.  Start early, it will be particularly useful to “train” caregivers so that you can trust them later when the patient is less able to communicate their needs and your respite needs will be greater.

As Sue got worse, the caregiving became 24/7.  Few of us can deal with this, so we strongly advise making appropriate arrangements with relatives, friends or hired home health care workers. Remember, it’s easier to cancel help then to implement a strategy under pressure.

More food concerns

I suppose that there are cancers and chemotherapies that do not significantly modify what or how much the patient can eat.  Sue’s chemotherapy greatly modified what she was willing to eat.  And she suffered from temperature sensitivity called neuropathy during most of her chemotherapy.  This was a constant concern as we would occasionally forget and give her (cold) tap water, which was painful to her.

As time went on, we were continually changing the food that she was willing to eat and the volume of her meals went down to essentially nothing. If there are favorite foods, then by all means, ask for culinary help.  But be firm about accepting only the first unsolicited dish.  From then on – food only by order.  We let it be known that Sue liked Pomegranate sorbet.  We never finished the deluge that showed up.

Finally, it is time to give up food strictures once you are in Hospice i.e. gluten free, organic etc.  Let’s face it; what is the worst thing that can happen?  That’s right, cancer a few years down the road.

Capabilities

The patient will be unable to perform functions that earlier on were simple and easy.  The patient is even more aware of these limitations than you are.  How frustrating it must be when the patient knows that he or she could do things before but now cannot.  As you might expect, it was frustrating for me to watch her fumbling away trying to do some, for her, difficult task.  But she did not appreciate unsolicited help. She needed to know that her capabilities had not all been taken from her.  We eventually had to evoke a rule on ourselves that unsolicited help was only given when needed for safety.  Sometimes it took a little patience as she fumbled.  However, our relationship improved.  When the time came that something was no longer possible, she was grateful to accept the proffered help.

Similarly, the empowerment of asking for what she wanted was well received.  Sometimes we overachieved, but mostly it helped her spirits to be able to make decisions.  Not all of them were what we wanted, but if you don’t like the answer, you shouldn’t ask the question.

Medical help

Everybody has heard about a miracle drug or treatment from “Timbucktu”.  Of course you will want to fly off there to get it.  (One person who was trying to help did not understand the irony of recommending a “healer” who failed to cure his uncle!) Early on, decide which organizations/ therapists you want to go to and stick with that decision.  We’re glad that we did that.  As it was, before the end we had gathered over thirty drugs, supplements and a few exercise regimens.

For others

If you read the above, there is probably little more to add. By all means send cards and e-mails.  If you phone, ask if the patient can talk, even if it is the patient who answers.  If you want to visit, ask if you can visit beforehand and how long you can stay.  If you plan to bring something, ask if you may.  On the other hand, when a visit is contemplated, ask if you can help by bringing or purchasing something on the way.

**************************************

Please feel free to leave comments, which will also be read by Bill and Sue’s family.

Please pray for Sue, lets help get her to Keajra Pure Land, where she wanted to be.

Her powa (transference of consciousness) is this Sunday evening at Saraha Center in San Francisco. I don’t live in the area, but I am going to mentally tune in!

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Día de los Muertos, the Day of the Dead … more from our social worker

11/01/2011 By 10 Comments
death5

This is the sixth article from a guest writer, Kadampa Buddhist and student social worker. The others can be found here.

At this time of year, Mexicans specifically remember the dead with the Day of the Dead.  Traditionally, on the 1st or 2nd November for Mexicans, the souls of dead loved ones are invited back to visit the living.  Communities across Mexico and elsewhere gather together to remember dead relatives and friends, toast their memory and reaffirm their feelings for loved ones who have died.

Health agencies around the world now celebrate the Day of The Dead to raise awareness of death issues to get people talking more about death for, as I try to point out in the following articles, it is important individually and collectively that we do so.  In the UK, the Day of the Dead is the 4th November.  Watch out for news and events relating to this, or why not do something yourself?

In my next couple of articles, I’ll be explaining how I used Buddhism and meditation to help me in my care of the elderly and the dying.

How to help the dying

In my third and final year as a student social worker I decided that my Buddhist values were best suited to the care of older people and the dying as there is less theorising about different types of care and more practical and dynamic compassion.  I feel the elderly, frail and dying are the best service user group where Buddhism could have a lot to offer. There is a lot of good information in this website and in Geshe Kelsang’s book Living Meaningfully, Dying Joyfully.

In Living Meaningfully, Dying Joyfully (2009) Geshe Kelsang says you can benefit those who are about to die. He encourages those benefiting the dying to help keep the dying person’s mind calm and peaceful, trying to prevent them from becoming upset or unhappy.  He stresses the importance of dying peacefully without any disturbance.

Geshe Kelsang (2010) also talks about the power of prayer. He says:

Buddha of Compassion, Avalokiteshvara

The power of our prayers depends upon the strength and purity of our intention and that having a mind of compassion for the dying or deceased is very important – if we have a genuinely compassionate motivation our prayers will definitely be effective.

Several times a day I dedicate my good fortune/merit to the vulnerable people I meet in my work as a student social worker; and when a service user I know dies, I do “powa” puja for them (transference of consciousness).

And how not to

During my final year of training I worked in an acute hospital trust within a discharge liaison team and I also focussed my dissertation on the care of older people and the dying. At work I played a part in helping service users leave hospital swiftly, but safely and legally.  It’s been my toughest job so far because it can be a very busy environment in which to remain calm (I had to interrupt busy doctors and nurses in their wards – asking them to improve their paperwork and inform me about discharges).  I was not Mr Popular with them but I managed the conflict well and made sure I got all the necessary information.

In my work it was challenging to see health and social care professionals disagree at times over the care and funding of care of a dying person. One memory that stands out is of a team colleague liaising in the battle between health and social care over who was going to pay for the service user’s care – whilst the actual service user was in the process of dying.  What affect must this have had on the service user?

Most discharges are not deaths; they are often issues around finding an appropriate care home for the service user, perhaps issues around mental capacity and their medical fitness.  Whenever there was a death there was often confusion about what was the appropriate action to take, whether to rush them off to home to die or to allow them to die in hospital.  This was the topic of my dissertation – how to have a good death.

Where would you like to die?

In the UK, 56 to 74 per cent of us would like to die at home but 60 per cent of us actually die in hospital.  Numbers of home deaths have been declining (to below 20 percent).  Roughly 500,000 people die each year with fewer than 8,000 specialist doctors and nurses, so there is not sufficient capacity. This combined with an ever increasing ageing population and more people living with multiple and degenerate conditions means there are increasing pressures on the health and social care system. Many people are not getting their wishes fulfilled of having a good death – at home.

Talking openly about death

There is an increasing awareness campaign in the UK to address these problems and in the future there may be more of a role for social care and social work to pre-empt matters.  The campaign is a continuous one that encourages everyone in our society to talk openly about death e.g. making wills well in advance, and planning and caring well for those who we know are very ill and perhaps dying. They even discuss issues around advance directives involving not using resuscitations and switching off life support machines, in certain circumstances.

I found similarities with this campaign and Buddhism in that they both recognise that we don’t like to talk about death too much.  In Living Meaningfully, Dying Joyfully, Geshe-la says:

Although intellectually we all know that one day we shall die, generally we are so reluctant to think about our death that this knowledge does not touch our hearts, and we live our life as if we were going to be in this world forever.

Through my dissertation research I found sociologists who agreed with this view, saying that, historically, institutions in our society have protected us from thinking about death, helping us suppress or suspend our thoughts about death.

At Kadampa Buddhist Centres we don’t have to wait for the Day of the Dead to discuss death and dying and how an awareness of death can enrich our spiritual practice :-) These kinds of discussion take place regularly!

Your turn
What do you think? Is it too morbid or depressing to think or talk about death? Or has it helped you live a happier, fuller life, and/or to help others who are dying or bereaved?

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Our job as a parent is to become irrelevant, part 2

10/11/2011 By 4 Comments
putting others first

Another guest article from our Kadampa working dad. The rest can be found here.

In my last post on this topic, we talked about some key principles for fulfilling our purpose of a parent to become irrelevant by helping our kids make wise decisions on their own.  In this post, we’ll look some key wisdom minds we can help our kids cultivate so that they can do this.

So what are the principles for helping our children make ‘wise decisions’ on their own?  What we try do is demonstrate to our children how basic wisdom solves most daily problems.  The trick is to package this wisdom in frequently repeated key phrases that will stick with them for the rest of their life, much like:

“If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”

I will do a future post on quite a few key phrases that I believe serve parents well.  For now, however, I will give ‘the big three’:

(1) “I don’t care what other people are doing, you should do the right thing.”

Kids naturally understand the laws of karma because they naturally understand basic fairness and the sandbox is the ultimate arena of “instant karma.”  You explain to your kids, “If you want to change the dynamic you have with this person, then you need to always do the right thing, regardless of what the other person does.”

How do you know what the ‘right’ thing is?  We ground all of our explanations in terms of “creating good causes”.  Whatever you do to others you create the cause for them to do to you.  Whatever others do to you, you created the causes for them to do it to you.  So basically, do to others what you would have them do to you, and don’t do to others what you wouldn’t want them to do to you (this obviously resonates well in Judeo-Christian cultures too).

When your kids make mistakes, don’t lecture them, just ask questions like “Would you want others doing that to you?”  Because they naturally understand basic fairness and instant karma, they generally know the answers to these questions, and your asking them will help them make their own wise decisions about what to do.

(2) “Change your mind/attitude first.”

There are several important points here.  First, the most liberating thing you can do for your children is help them understand that they have a ‘choice’ about their attitude towards or view on things.  They can choose their reactions to any event.  Most kids (and adults for that matter), frankly, are not that much different from animals in that they just respond impulsively to whatever happens to them.  Driving home again and again the fact that they always have a choice over how to view and respond to any situation that arises in their life is incredibly liberating.

Second, it is their attitude/mind that determines their experience, not the external circumstance.  “I’m bored!”  No, “Nothing is boring, it only becomes boring if you relate to it with a boring mind.  Everything is fun if you relate to it with a fun mind.”  “Nothing is annoying, rather we allow things to annoy us.”

Third, we need to help them create the reflex in life where their “first response” to any situation is to change their mind/attitude, then they focus on how to change the external circumstance.  We can do this by helping them identify what they have control over versus what they do not.  We have complete control over our own mind and attitude, we have little to no control over external events or what others do.  So first we should work on what we have the most control over.  This is just common sense.

(3) “Put others first”.

Here it is useful to recall what Shantideva said, namely that self-cherishing is the root of all suffering and cherishing others is the root of all happiness.  We need to help our children ‘see’ the truth of this in their daily lives, not lecture them about it.  Every single problem that arises in our children’s life can be traced back to self-cherishing.  Every single good thing that arises in our children’s life can be traced back to putting others first.  If we ourselves have the wisdom to be able to see how and why this is true, then we just share our perspective and view on the situation when our children come to us.  If we see it, then when they talk to us, they will come to see it too.  When they see this, they will naturally do the right thing.

What I am about to say is sneaky, and I know it – but it works!  I have found it most useful to take the following strategy:  usually our kids come to us with problems of what other people are doing to them and how they do not like it.  When they describe to us the problem, we can help our child see how the other person is behaving in the bad way because they think their happiness is more important than others, they are being selfish.  Our kid will then say, “yeah, that’s right.”  Then we turn it on them by saying, “so don’t be like them” or “well, if you do X, then you are being just like them” or “if you do X, then how are you being any different?”

Once you have done this a few times, they will learn the principle of selfishness is the root of all problems and putting others first is the root of all happiness, and then afterwards when they come to you with what others are doing you can simply say “I don’t care what others are doing, you need to do the right thing”, but now they understand the right thing to be to abandon their own selfishness and to put others first.

Conclusion

Needless to say, our ability to instill within our kids these principles is entirely dependent upon our living our own lives by them J  If there is one thing kids can spot a mile away, it is hypocrisy.  But if we learn to live our own lives by these principles, there is a very good chance that, almost through familial osmosis alone, our kids will come to adopt these principles themselves, and then they will become fully capable individuals of making wise decisions on their own.

Then your job as a parent will be complete – you will have made yourself irrelevant!

Your turn: Are you trying out these methods with your kids? Please leave comments in the box below.

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Meditation versus action … more from our social worker

09/29/2011 By 9 Comments
article 5.1

This is the fifth article from a guest writer, Kadampa Buddhist and student social worker. The others can be found here.

In this article, he is asking significant questions about the relationship between Buddhism and social action, important to address, especially in our modern age.  Please share your understanding in the comments box below, particularly if you work in any of the caring professions!

Continuing on my reflections on working for a mental health charity as a student social worker, I found that being mentally prepared for the work I did was essential.

Meditation on compassion

I tried to make universal compassion my main practice throughout these months, making sure I started the day with a meditation on compassion or at least incorporating compassion into my meditation e.g. having a compassionate motivation/intention at the beginning of the meditation and a compassionate dedication at the end.

I always dedicate my meditations for the enlightenment of each and every living being, but I feel it is ok to include people you know who have a particular suffering (which could include service users) and pray (without attachment) for their liberation from their present suffering.   In fact this makes my meditations and virtue more personal and more powerful.

At work, most of the time I was able to remain unnerved and at ease with service users, with love and compassion (being relatively free from my own self-cherishing) protecting my mind from any negativity in the working environment.

Tackling stigma and leading by example

Another aspect of working for a mental health charity can be tackling the stigma and discrimination there is against people with mental health distress. It has been encouraging to discover this year that mental health charities are beginning to make progress in this area, but there is still a long way to go.  I found that talking openly about my own past and present mental health distress has helped service users and their families considerably.  It can be so beneficial to open up and talk about your difficulties and, once you do, and there is some acknowledgement, difficulties can be shared and reduced, and as a society we can all become more aware of mental health distress.  You do have to check, however, how much you can self-disclose and such practice is more accepted in social work than it is in healthcare.

This placement experience reminded me that it was my own stress, anxiety and depression that led me to Buddhist meditation; and it is this medicine for the mind that I keep on taking several times a day for the rest of my life, gradually improving each year.  People can be relieved and less frightened too when they realise that you are human and experience similar difficulties.  They become more open to your help.

Meditation v. action

Trying to lead by example is the main way I help people, but there are times in social work where you have to act as an advocate, representing a group of people or to politicise a little.  You can become very passionate about this and feel justified in becoming angry.  On my course at university I was a student rep as I felt sorry for the younger students struggling with the course.  It felt good and beneficial to encourage them to stand up for themselves, but I struggled with representing groups of people who were angry or upset; and I realised that the Buddhist belief in personal responsibility doesn’t mix with trade unionism.

These are areas where I can have difficulties, and I am interested in what any of you have to say.  Are your own meditation, prayers and example enough, or could we do more for our society? Could the products that Kadampa Buddhism offers such as the meditation CD’s, teaching in schools, chaplaincy and any other act of public service be more offered and marketed to areas of our society that need it?

I often found that in the academic training in social work, my use of my knowledge and experience of Buddhism wasn’t appreciated, and perhaps there is danger of mixing Dharma too much into our worldly work life and that it is best to quietly lead by our own example? What do you think? If I was to train as some kind of mental health practitioner I would have to study practices that are similar but different to Buddhism.  Could and should Kadampa Buddhism offer more to the care industries in our societies?

Perhaps you would be willing to help me by letting me know what you think below.

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Our job as a parent is to become irrelevant

09/25/2011 By 19 Comments
child making a decision

Another guest article from our Kadampa working dad. The rest can be found here.

I believe our job as a parent is to become irrelevant!

What does every parent want for their children?  We want our children to become fully capable individuals that make wise decisions on their own.  A wise decision is one that leads to true happiness.  Everything we do as a parent should lead to this final result, and we should use this final result as a guide to know how to respond to every parenting challenge and as a litmus test to see whether what we have done as a parent is mistaken and needs to be corrected for.

When our children are born, they are incapable of anything and make all the wrong decisions (put your finger in an electrical socket, anyone?).  In the end, we want them to be capable of everything and to be able to make all the right decisions on their own.  So in the beginning, they need us for everything, but in the end we want them to need us for nothing – in short, we want to become irrelevant (or more precisely, no longer needed). 

So how does this work in practice?  There are no fixed rules, rather general principles we can follow as a parent.  When it comes to helping our children become fully capable, I try to use the following principles:

1 For things they are not yet capable of doing: don’t expect them to be able to do it.  I would say 90% of the problems we have as parents in the early years of our children’s life come from being upset when our children don’t live up to our expectations.  We expect them to already be able to do things, and then when they don’t, we become upset at them.  When we get upset at them for not doing something, we create serious obstacles to their ability to joyfully learn the new skill themselves.  They will reject what we have to say because for them it comes as a punishment and a control, not a helping hand.  For the things they are not yet capable of doing on their own, just do it for them with an excited attitude of “one day you will be able to do this all by yourself.”  Think potty training!  This attitude makes them want to do things on their own in the future.

2. For things they can learn to do:  help them learn how to do it on their own.  This takes tremendous patience.  Usually as parents we are very rushed.  We feel we don’t have time to indulge our kid in spilling the milk bottle 20 times so they can learn from their mistakes, rather we figure it is just quicker and easier to do it ourselves.  But why are we so rushed?  We are rushed because we have to do everything ourselves.  Why do we have to do everything?  Because our kids don’t know how to do anything yet!  So while it is true in the short-run that it takes more time to help our kids do things on their own than for us to just do it for them; in the long run, we are actually saving ourselves time by taking the time now to teach them how to do things on their own.  It is crucial at this stage to instill in them the excitement of “me do it”, where they want to do it on their own – how liberating for them to become capable of doing things for themselves.  If you get this attitude correct at this stage, you avoid the pitfalls of the next stage.

3 For things they are already capable of doing:  don’t do it for them.  It is very easy for the ‘compassionate parent’ to fall into the extreme of becoming their child’s slave.  While this may seem compassionate, there is no wisdom to such an approach.  Yes, we are supposed to serve others and all the rest, but we must do so with wisdom.  We are not helping our children by teaching them laziness and manipulation/exploitation of others.  So if something comes up that they are capable of doing on their own that they want you to do for them, just say “sorry, you are capable of doing that yourself.”  They will say you are being mean, but you will know you are being a wise parent.

If we check carefully, we will see that what we want as a parent for our children is exactly what a qualified Spiritual Guide wants for their disciples, the only difference is the scope of ‘capable’ and the extent of ‘wise decisions’ involved.  The Spiritual Guide wants us to become as capable as all the Buddhas and to develop an omniscient, compassionate wisdom.  As a parent, we would generally be happy with our children being able to get on in the world and to make good decisions in this life.  While much smaller in scope, it is a start and a prerequisite for the capacity and wisdom the Buddhas want for our children.  So we can view our job as a parent as preparing the ground to hand our children over to higher paths (if they so choose).

In the next part of this series, we will look at three key wisdom minds we should try help our children cultivate so that they can make “wise decisions” on their own!

Are you a parent? Have you tried these methods? Please share your ideas and experience in the comments box below.

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Dealing with anger … more from our social worker

08/29/2011 By 3 Comments
Mental Health (2)

This is the fourth article from a guest writer, Kadampa Buddhist and student social worker. For the others, see Guest Articles.

Who is mentally healthy?

My second placement in my social work training was for a mental health charity. I found myself being attracted to the ethos of this organisation. They believe that we all experience mental health, and at times mental ill health or mental health distress.  Mental health distress only becomes a ‘mental health problem’ or mental ill health when our daily life is interfered with to such an extent that we are prevented from holding down a job or being able to live in stable accommodation.

Buddha would certainly agree with this ethos! In Joyful Path of Good Fortune, Geshe Kelsang Gyatso says we are all sick as we suffer from desirous attachment, hatred, ignorance, and other diseases of the mind (Gyatso, 2006). I think that it is good to remember every day that these so-called delusions are our only enemy and that we all get them and the daily habits that come with them. Geshe Kelsang reminds us to have this awareness before we meditate or go into a Dharma teaching, to seek medicine for our mind through Dharma.

These teachings can also help us develop compassion for people we come into contact with in our daily lives and especially have compassion for those with strong delusions. Working in a mental health care setting I believe I came across people with strong delusions and some who had had quite horrendous and negative lives but their delusions, behaviour and wishes were perhaps most of the time no different to mine.

Anger management classes

On this placement I found myself helping run anger management classes, encouraging young men that anger and violence were not the best ways of coping when having relationship problems. The classes were based upon CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) and I found the content and format quite similar to the practicalities of some of the teachings in the General Programme Classes run by Kadampa Buddhist Centres. I assisted the teacher in encouraging the service users to realise what triggers their anger, to recall/examine their thoughts and feelings the moment before they got angry and how to have nice thoughts about yourself.

During these classes I found my knowledge and experience of Shantideva’s teachings on anger in Guide to the Bodhisattva’s Way of Life very helpful and beneficial. I recalled teachings on the faults of anger from How to Solve Our Human Problems, Gyatso 2005:

Anger robs us of our reason and good sense.

and why we get angry:

Anger is a response to feelings of unhappiness.

I would put this experience into practice by relaying these ideas in more everyday language to them without mentioning Buddhism or that I am a Buddhist e.g.

“Have you ever wondered why you get angry? From my experience it is when I am disappointed and often my main triggers occur when I am tired.”

At times I could really relate to the guys on the course, the relationship problems they were having and the attachment that was causing their anger and jealousy. I didn’t see much difference between myself and them perhaps only in that I have in the past been aware enough not to do physical actions through anger whereas these men had acted out with their anger such as head-butting strangers, physically lashing out on their partners and attempting to commit suicide.

 It’s been challenging coming across people who commit really negative actions but the Buddhist meditation on universal compassion has helped here. – that you can take a step back from the person or situation and see and feel a bigger picture leading to compassion for those who are creating the cause to experience suffering in the future as well as those who are experiencing suffering now (Transform Your Life, Gyatso, 2006). Also to distinguish between delusions and persons:

The fault I see is not the fault of the person, but the fault of delusion.

(Eight Steps to Happiness, Gyatso, 2006).

Through reading about mental health care and various therapies I can see similarities between them and Buddhism and I could relate to the more psychodynamic therapies that recognise that feelings precede thoughts. Meditation, relaxation and complimentary therapies are becoming popular in mental health care settings. At the end of the anger management classes I co-facilitated we went through relaxation exercises similar to meditation. I would encourage service users to do these exercises and I would talk about the benefits of meditation to them such as a calm and peaceful mind, less fluctuations of mood, improved health and better relationships with others (The New Meditation Handbook, Gyatso, 2008). The meditation CD’s that Tharpa Publications produce are becoming popular throughout the world and could be utilised more in the mental health care world.

Has anyone else got experience of using these CD’s in workplaces or with the general public?

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5 tips from a Buddhist dad on making time for a daily practice

06/12/2011 By 3 Comments
family sleeping

This guest article from our Kadampa Buddhist dad, who has five young kids and a very busy job, is a continuation of Advice from a Buddhist dad on making practice a priority.

Making time for our daily practice

In the last posting we saw that establishing a consistent daily practice consists of two things: (1) making our daily practice a priority; and (2) making the time to do our daily practice.

We have already looked at why our daily practice should be our priority, now lets turn to the second question of  how do we actually ‘make the time’ to do our practice?  The following are some basic tips that have worked well for me.

1 Do your practice when everyone else is asleep 

Family life in particular places tremendous strains on our time.  In the end, the only way around this problem is to just do our practice when everybody else is asleep.  For me, I do it first thing in the morning because at the end of the day the only thing I can do is collapse.  How do you wake up earlier to do your practice?  Well, the easiest way of doing that is to go to bed earlier.  If that is not possible, then you will have to make trade-offs between hours of sleep and hours of practice.

For example, let’s say you have an 8 hour block of time for sleep.  Instead of sleeping all 8 hours, sleep for only 7 and do your practice for the other hour.  I have found that I am more rested after 7 hours of sleep and one hour of practice than I am after 8 hours of just sleep.  The reason for this is it is not enough to rest our body, we also need to rest our mind.  Only meditation enables us to really relax our mind.

2 Have the only thing you ask for of others be the time necessary to do your practice

In any relationship, there is give and take.  When your practice becomes your number one priority in the day, the only ‘take’ you will ask for of the others you live with is the time necessary to do your practice.  The only thing I ever ask of my wife is she gives me the time to do my practice.  If you waste your ‘relationship capital’ on other things, like seeing the movie you want to see or going to the restaurant you want to go to, then you won’t have any left over for your practice.  Just as we have finite money and must spend it on our top priorities, we also have finite things we can ask for in a relationship and we need to save it for our practice.

3 Understand that habits take time to form 

We need to make doing our daily practice a habit.  Habits are initially formed through applying consistent effort over a sustained period of time.  In my experience, it usually takes a good three months of forcing ourselves to do our daily practice before it becomes a habit.  But once it is a habit, it is very easy to maintain.  So if you can persevere through this initial three month period, you will establish a practice for life.  If you can’t, you will probably never establish a consistent daily practice no matter how many times you try get it started.  I think the reason for this is our practice has a cumulative effect where it is only after doing it for several weeks that we start to feel its effects.  We need to overcome our mental inertia, and unfortunately when we miss even one day it can be like having to start all over again.

4 Once you make it to cushion, choose to let go of everything else and allow your mind to focus on your practice

It is not enough to get our rear-end in the right place, we have to bring our mind there too.  We have worked so hard to create the space to actually meditate, so it would be a shame to then mentally not show up and actually do it.

One of the biggest obstacles to actually allowing ourselves to focus on our practice is attachment to immediate results from our practice.  We meditated for five minutes, how come we are not blissed out yet?  We measure the success of our practice against the feelings we generate as opposed to the causes we create.  A pure practitioner is happy simply to try.  It is by trying that we create causes, and it is by creating causes that results will come in the future.  As Ghandi said, full effort is full victory.  Full effort itself is our victory.

5 Finally, stop making excuses

We all think we are so busy and our lives are so hard that we don’t have time to practice.  But the reality is it is because we are busy and that our lives are hard that we must find the time to practice.  The reality is everybody is equally busy, just in different ways.  Everybody’s life is equally hard, just in different ways.

The good news is once we get started in our practice, it becomes self-perpetuating.  Whether we are aware of it or not, we all have goals we are working towards.  Perhaps our goal is to simply ‘do as little as possible’, but as we practice the Lamrim we start to develop higher spiritual goals (avoiding being reborn in the lower realms, escaping from all suffering forever for ourselves, becoming a fully enlightened Buddha so that we can lead all beings to permanent freedom).  Engaging in our practice functions to make these goals more and more central in our life.  As these goals become more central, the ‘need’ to engage in our practice will only grow because we will see how it is only our practice that will enable us to accomplish these higher spiritual goals.

So in short, it is very simple:  make a consistent daily practice a priority, then make the time to do it.

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Advice from a Buddhist dad on making practice a priority

05/20/2011 By 4 Comments
Biggest problem

This is the second guest article from our Kadampa Buddhist dad, who has five young kids and a very busy job. The first is Kadampa Parenting.

Making our daily practice a priority

In many ways, the biggest obstacle to our attainment of enlightenment is our inability to establish a consistent daily practice.  This is especially true when we have a busy family and work life.  But with a consistent daily practice, we will eventually attain enlightenment — it is just a matter of time.  Without a consistent practice, we will never attain enlightenment, no matter how long we wait.

Establishing a consistent daily practice really comes down to one simple question:

Are we organizing our practice around our life or are we organizing our life around our daily practice?  

Establishing a consistent daily practice is not rocket science, we simply need to “make it a priority and then make the time to do it.”  In the next two postings by me, I will explore these two points.  First, let’s look at why we should make our daily practice a priority. The bottom line is we do what is important to us.  We work on what we consider in our hearts to be our priority.  We are desire realm beings, which means we have no choice but to act towards the fulfillment of our desires.  We cannot change this.  What we can change, however, is what we desire.  We need to make doing our daily practice the biggest desire in our heart.  If we do this, then maintaining a consistent daily practice will be easy.  So how do we make doing our practice a priority?  There are several things we can consider:

The most important thing we need to do is correctly diagnose what is our problem.  Without thinking too much, ask yourself the question:

What is my biggest problem?  

Instinctively, we come up with a long list of external things that are our problems, such as our work, our partner, our finances, etc.  Since we consider these external things to be our problem, we naturally work to change these external things as the method of solving our problems.  If we check, the nature of human life is problem solving.  All day, every day, our every action is aimed at solving our problems.

But here’s the rub:  we have misdiagnosed the problem.  Venerable Geshe Kelsang gives the example of our car breaking down.  In such a situation, there are two problems — the car’s problem and our problem.  We need a mechanic to solve the car’s problem, but our problem is our deluded mental reaction to the external event.  We suffer when our car breaks down because our mind relates to this event in a negative way.  If we examine it carefully, we will see that any external event only becomes a ‘problem’ because we don’t yet know how to relate to that event in a different, positive way.  If we can learn to relate to this event in a positive, virtuous way, our car breaking down won’t be a ‘problem’ for us, rather it will be a ‘blessing.’  Thanks to our car breaking down, we can now work on our mind and on overcoming our delusions.  Fantastic!  We will, of course, still need to go to the mechanic to fix the car’s problem, but our problem will have been solved.

The same is true with all external events.  We only have one problem:  our uncontrolled, deluded mind.  This is our inner problem.  The car breaking down is not our problem, it is the car’s problem.  Our only problem is our deluded mental reactions.  If we clearly see our deluded mind as the problem, then we will naturally see changing our mind as the solution to our problems.  Our daily practice is the very method by which we change our mind.  If we understand this, then doing our daily practice will be the very method by which we solve our problems, and we will naturally do it.  If we get this one right, the rest will be easy.
To get you started, one useful trick you can do is to connect your daily practice with whatever you consider to be your biggest problem.  Before you start your practice, ask yourself the question: What is my biggest problem? You will come up with something external.  Then think to yourself, “no, that is an outer problem, what is my problem?”  Then you will see how it is your deluded mental reaction to the external event.

Then, as you engage in your daily Lamrim practice, try to directly apply the wisdom of the Lamrim meditation for the day as the means of changing your mind with respect to that external problem.  For example, let’s say your Lamrim meditation for the day is the dangers of self-cherishing, try realize how your problem is you are considering yourself as more important than others and therefore the solution to the problem is to put others first.

Or if your Lamrim meditation is death, think to yourself :

Will I be worried about this on my deathbed?

If not, why should I worry about it now?”

At a very practical level, a useful thing we can do is to think about all of the things we do have time to do, and then consider how our practice is even more important than these things.  For example, we find time every day to wash our body with a shower, in a similar way we should find time every day to wash our mind with our practice.  If our body smells, it is a real problem.  But if our mind smells, it ruins everything.  Likewise, we find time every day to recharge our mobile phones, so in a similar way we should take the time to recharge the virtue within our minds.  We take the time to nourish our body with (hopefully) good food, so too we need to take the time to nourish our mind with virtue.  Just as we fill our lungs with oxygeon, so too we need to fill our mind with virtue.

Whenever we do these things (bathe, recharge our phones, eat, breathe, etc.), we can remind ourselves of how we need to do our practice.  If we make a habit of reminding ourselves in this way, it won’t be long before our desire to do our practice will be ever present within our minds.

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Mind-training and social work

05/09/2011 By 2 Comments
social work 9

This is the second article from a guest writer, Kadampa Buddhist and student social worker. For the first, see Meditation helps me be a better social worker and vice versa and for the second, see Where is a problem? 

Throughout my three years of training to become a social worker I have undertaken three long-term work placements.  The first was in a baby’s hospice caring for children with life-limiting illnesses.  They offer palliative and respite care for babies/infants from birth to five years old. I loved this job!  To be honest I have never felt so much unconditional love for others in one organisation, especially towards the ill children.  I have lived and visited many Kadampa Buddhist Centres in my time who show a brilliant example of tolerance and acceptance to people from all backgrounds without wanting anything in return, and the experience at the baby’s hospice was similar.

Exchanging self with others

At times it was quite a busy environment and twelve hour shifts too.  I try and always make time to do my meditation though, even if very tired I do my daily offerings and pujas (chanted prayers) to keep the blessings going (and me).  One of the main meditations to focus on when in a busy care environment is exchanging self with others (from the Lojong or mind-training tradition).

In the morning before work, I always try and include prayers in my meditation such as Prayers for Meditation (available here) or Heart Jewel and try to feel close to Buddha.

Before actual meditation I dissolve Buddha into my heart and imagine that I already have the spiritual realisation of exchanging self with others, imagining what it would be like to have this mind.

Then I contemplate Buddha’s teaching on exchanging self with others, feeling it is possible to change the object of my cherishing from myself to all others, and develop a heartfelt determination to develop this mind.  I find that this meditation is meditation on love — cherishing love, perceiving others as precious and important.

A playful social worker

If it is a good meditation then I can carry this feeling of love for a while at work– even when extremely busy, having staff, visitors and children wanting my attention.  At busy times like this I try and mentally repeat in my heart, that others matter and are more important than me, repeating this like a mantra.  It helps me become more self-aware and less stressed, actively listening to what others are saying and trying to fulfil their expressed needs.

It is perhaps easier with children.  In the children’s hospice it was never a large group and most activities were therapeutic and playful.  In a way you are becoming just like them (although still aware of your duties and health and safety).  You join in with all the activities they are doing such as messing about in a soft play area, arts and crafts, playing with toys, laughing and joking, and trying to get out onto the swings in the park.

This playfulness reminded me of how I should be with my meditation practice to overcome laziness, being playful and light with meditation.

Non-sectarianism

The hospice is on the grounds of a Catholic nunnery and although it is not a religious organisation there seems to be a Catholic religious background and culture to the premises and nearby organisations.  I think people found it quite cool me being a Buddhist and I was accepted into the work life (as a professional and at times as a volunteer) and also, the social life of the organisation and community.   I found that there was harmony and mutual respect between myself and those in the hospice that were religious.

Gen Pagpa and other religious teachers opening the world cup stadium in Cape Town

In Understanding the Mind Geshe Kelsang explains how mixing religions causes sectarianism but that if you practice your own tradition and respect all other traditions at the same time, this leads to harmony and tolerance. (Gyatso, 1997, p162).  I showed this example here well, as did the Christians I worked with.  At times I was asked to attend church services with the children and often with colleagues we shared spiritual or religious beliefs and respected the similarities and differences.

Not so long ago I attended their Christmas party, hoping to be asked to be Santa, having been a Buddhist Santa in other care settings in the past. I missed out, but happily engaged in the fancy dress party (Cowboys and Indians), handing out Christmas presents to the children and making sure that they and their family had a good time – all part and parcel of trying to exchange self with others.

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Transforming a great sadness: a Buddhist nun’s tale

04/07/2011 By 13 Comments
Jilly-Sutton-Pontoon-Girl-Sculpture-female-head-sculpture-jesmonite-wood-peaceful-1687888

Here is an article from a guest writer, Kelsang Chogma.

I will explain how Dharma transformed a very difficult situation for me. This may seem like an extreme situation, but hey, this is samsara and you have to work with whatever it throws at you.

A few years ago my brother was killed in Afghanistan, along with thirteen other soldiers. It was a horrendous death in which their bodies were apparently ‘fragmented’; which meant that they had to be repatriated to the UK before all their parts could be identified using DNA sampling. What this meant for my family, and the other thirteen families, was of course a lot of pain, but through it all I also learned an incredible amount about the truth of Dharma, Buddha’s teachings.

The first thing I learned is that we need to have a knee-jerk, reflex action of going for refuge to the Three Jewels. It needs to be the most familiar reaction to any situation, so that it’s instantaneous, spontaneous. For in the first few minutes when I saw my mum almost hysterical with the pain from hearing the news of her son’s death, I forgot to go for refuge. Those few minutes taught me a lot. They taught me how it feels to experience samsara completely exposed without it’s deceptive veneer; how people without any refuge experience such unbearable pain that you feel like your heart has been ripped out and you’ll just die on the spot; and how the moment we go for refuge and pray for others with all our heart, that pain subsides and we become a source of refuge for the people we pray for.

The coffins of the authors brother and his thirteen friends

Within a few days each family got to spend time with all fourteen coffins in a make-shift chapel on an RAF base in Scotland. I remember they looked quite beautiful all lined up together in two neat rows of seven, with Union Jack flags draped perfectly in line with each other; and the smell of the wooden coffins filling the room. As I sat there in silence with the rest of my family, we just gazed at the coffins. At first all the coffins were equal to me as I had no idea which one contained my brother’s remains, for all I knew it might be all of them. Each coffin was just as important as all the rest, and in turn my feelings toward the men who’d died felt equal and my mind felt surprisingly peaceful. I started wondering which coffin my brother was in, and I focused on the one nearest to me, wondering if it contained his body. Immediately my mind became unpeaceful and I started getting really upset. What upset me most wasn’t that here might be my brother’s body but that suddenly that one coffin was the only one that mattered and the other thirteen coffins were irrelevant to me, like they didn’t even exist. It came as quite a shock and it just felt so wrong – these were my brother’s friends, his colleagues, who’d died in just the same way; and yet suddenly they didn’t matter. I will never forget that moment when I realised how immediate the painful effect of delusion is in our mind and how horrible it feels to disregard people who really do matter. I reminded myself that I didn’t know which coffin my brother was in and how all these guys were equally important – and my mind became peaceful again. I realised that what I was experiencing was the beautiful peace of equanimity.

Another thing that struck me as I sat there is that the parts of the body are definitely not the body, just as Geshe Kelsang explains in his books. If someone had come along right then and shown me all the fragmented parts of my brother’s body all put back in the right places, it could never have satisfied my wish to see my brother’s body as a whole, solid, unitary thing. I wished to simply see my brother’s body, not it’s parts assembled together. Nothing anyone could ever show me would match up with the image in my mind, but isn’t it the same now with all phenomena?

Another thing I learned was that even simple meditations done for just a few seconds can have an amazing immediate effect. At my brother’s funeral I was asked to read out fond memories of him that family members had written. I remember sitting in the chapel with his coffin in front of me and a picture of him on the wall above. He was given full military honours and many of his RAF colleagues and other officers were present; with the flag draped over his coffin and his RAF hat laid on top. As the service progressed I could feel myself getting more and more anxious as it came closer to the time for me to get up. I could feel my legs shaking and I didn’t know if I’d be able to even stand, let alone speak. I tried to imagine that my brother’s photo was a picture of Geshe-la, like the one I have above my shrine at home, gazing at me, smiling and encouraging me. I suddenly remembered a meditation Geshe-la had taught at the festival that year, from Mahamudra Tantra, the meditation on turning your mind to wood – absorption of cessation of gross conceptual thoughts – so I did just that. I stopped listening to the service, I stopped feeling anything, thinking anything, held my mind still, and imagined I was an inanimate object, completely without thought. Just for a few moments it felt like slipping the gearbox out of gear, like things were going on around me but I wasn’t engaged at all. Then I started listening again and found that it had worked! I was ok, I had my Spiritual Guide with me and in a very distressing, adverse condition I had remembered some of his instructions and I’d put them into practise and felt their benefit. I knew that I’d be ok, and I was. I got through it with a picture of Geshe-la and one of Tara on the lecturn with me, and with my mala in my hand and my Guru at my heart.

We did a Powa, transference of consciousness, for my brother and I’m certain he went to the Pure Land – he sure has helped me get a little bit closer.

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